She hated people like him. People who always insisted that there was light and good. Insisting that despite whatever shit the world dragged her through there was always something good and she should cling to that. And why was she so worked up over something bad, something in the past, why was she so depressing, she needed to get over it and get over herself and move on! People like that….they were blind ignorant idiots and she hated them more than she hated anyone- or, well, almost anyone- else. They weren’t the absolute worst, now that she thought about it. No the worst were the ones who tried to help fix her and acted nicely - because they were only seeing half the picture. How could they tell her you’re just fine the way you are if they didn’t know her? They didn’t know anything. Who she was. What she was.They didn’t know. They just spouted superficial shit at a mask she wore and told her she was pretty and smart when really they were just talking to a blank slate. Anemone was on the inside.
Where was the light and the hope you idiots talk about back then? Anemone….don’t you know what an anemone means? Don’t you know why they gave me that name? An anemone is a flower...a flower without hope. I am a flower. If there was light I’d be strong wouldn’t I? Such were her thoughts in the face of this stupid stranger. That was exactly right; flowers relied on light, didn’t they? She wilted long ago. Whatever light was in this world had come too late hadn’t it? A sneer crossed her lips. Ignorant idiot. He didn’t know anything. He was spouting what he wanted to believe without any context - he didn’t know anything and yet somehow thought he had the right to make some superior comment.
Then he was speaking again. More words. More drivel. Corporations...truth be told Anemone didn’t know much about businesses; she hadn’t given him any context to who they were, but his first leap of assumption was she supposed a logical one. But Anemone didn’t care for logic right now. She didn’t care if it made sense because ultimately it was wrong. And she knew, she knew it was because she hadn’t said anything other than “they”. What did “they” mean? There were so many things such a simple word could imply and it was exactly why she chose it. To be a spiteful little bitch. Because now she could just smile and listen to him make the wrong judgements. No, you idiot. Not corporations. No. She was getting ready to snap at him, to tell him that no, that he was wrong-
What are you doing. Back off. What-
For each step back Anemone took the man - no, creep, took forward. He was close, too close, he was getting far too close. He wasn’t backing up. He wasn’t giving her space. He wasn’t giving her space. Too close, and no matter what she did he kept closing the distance. What did he want? Anemone’s eyes flicked from side to side. She thought about kicking him, but he….his body…he was part machine, she was just a fragile humanoid. She couldn’t do anything. She’d break her own leg if she tried. She could feel her heart start to race, though, because he was too close. He was right there and too close and why are you here what are you doing you’re too close to me back off go away go away please just let-
She wasn’t sure how much of what he was saying she actually understood. He was lecturing her. She knew that. He was lecturing her. He was lecturing her and he wasn’t giving her any space. He wanted to be heard. But she couldn’t hear him, not completely because he was too close and she wasn’t comfortable and she didn’t know what he was doing. He was saying things and she only caught snippets, her own heartbeat was too loud, her own mind was louder. Blind? No. She caught that. She understood what he was saying. Why don’t I feel beneath them. Well how was she supposed to know? Maybe because he wasn’t ever beneath anyone. Maybe because he didn’t know what it was like. You don’t know what you’re talking about stop it stop and leave me alone. But she hadn’t left him alone had she?
Shut up. That was different. That-
Make your life about yourself, not somebody else.
Her mind went dead silent.
And then it was deafening.
If, even after this battle, they tell me I can live on, I'll go and buy a small mirror somewhere and practice smiling. I'll practice over and over so that I can see him once again.
She was back there. She was back there. Dewey had one more mission for her, one important mission. By that point she’d already given in. He was gone, he’d left already, because she pushed him away and it was then, only after he’d left, that she realized she did have some light, and that she’d just snuffed it out herself. But that didn’t make him right. That didn’t make him right. Because now it was gone. She didn’t have anything or anyone. Her feelings wouldn’t be passed on to anyone. She was there for the Colonel and that was it. She’d stop the Nirvash, she’d destroy it, like she was asked to. Because she didn’t have anything else to live for. But she held onto the smallest glimmer of something then, that maybe if she won, she’d be allowed to go. That maybe if she won, she could smile. She could be her, she could be the girl. Maybe she wouldn’t have to be Anemone.
If they tell me that I can live without hurting anyone else, I'll let my hair sway in the wind, take a giant step onto the earth and go see him.
There was still a tiny glimmer of hope. He left….yes he left...but it was because of her, because she pushed him. When this was over she’d ask the Colonel, she’d ask him if she could go. She just wanted to leave, she wanted it to be done. And if the Nirvash was destroyed there wouldn’t be any reason for her any more, she could go on, then. Or maybe they’d destroy her, she didn’t know. But she wanted to hold onto the small chance, like he would have. She wanted to hold onto the chance she could find him again.
I want to live, to say my thanks. I want to live, to give so many feelings to people.
She just wanted to be a girl. She didn’t want to be...
I want to live! I wish I didn't realize I had feelings like this!
She didn’t want to remember this. She didn’t want to remember any of this. Anemone shut her eyes, shaking her head vigorously, muttering quiet no’s under her breath. Why did he have to say that? Why did he say it like that? Why did he make her go back there? He didn’t know anything. He didn’t know anything, he didn’t have the right to tell her anything, to tell her how to live. She could see it all unfolding again. The last fight with the Nirvash, those words from Eureka….they were kind, and she appreciated them, but it was hollow because...
But I'm in so much pain! He's nowhere where I can see him!
”I didn’t mean it….”
He was calling out from somewhere - her light, her last bit of hope. He was there. And then…
And then she took it away.
She couldn’t stop the dam from breaking even if she hated herself for it. Because this idiot didn’t deserve to see her emotions or hear any of this. But right now she wasn’t standing with that creep too close for comfort. She was back in theEND, watching the water swallow up her glimmer of hope. Her head was bowed and her hands were shaking, clenched, knuckles white. And then the river was pouring down her face and she wasn’t really seeing, she was just staring out at nothing. Staring out at that scene that wasn’t there.
”...I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to….”
Weightless...she felt weightless. She was falling, or...it felt like she was. If she fell, she could join him there, buried in her mistakes where she belonged.
||Anemone is falling, catch her or...don't. ||
★ ★ ★